Rinoa Vs. Eivarg
by Gravie
Summary: DIE RINOA!


~**~Author's Note: Once again, I say this: Rinoa fans are warned.. Click the nice lil' "BACK" button to exit this FF, as Rinoa goes through agonizingly tasty treatments. You have been warned. Now, I rather like mai first FF the best, but we'll see about this one. For the most part, I'm making this up as I go along.. so.. Mind you, most of this dun make any sense, but who cares.. ;P. Now, as a forewarning, Rinoa squeezed in an icky word.. one of the reasons we hate her so much.. We hate swearing..grr... Anywho, R&R. Luv yall. -Gravie~**~  
  
Rinoa lay in her lavishly opulent bed, stomache pressing into the rock hard mattress, and her clam-shaped face buried into the prissy pink pillow at an angle. Her skinny, pasty arms were wrapped tightly around her make-shift doll of Squall, made of an old pink sock and detailed in markers. The malicious black eyes were closed in deep sleep..   
  
~**~Dreaming~**~ .. or is she?   
  
Squall stood, his muscular arms swathed against the tiny waist of Quistis. His deep mahogany eyes lit up as they gazed into Quistis's own. He was outfitted in his SeeD uniform, for once. And he and Quistis were dancing at the Great Ball. Rinoa had approached him, a bit timid, yet full of ire for that blonde headed "teacher" who had stolen Squall from her. Gently, the frail, attenuated fingers tapped on Squall's shoulder. Her deep ebony eyes lit up, inquiring to Squall if he would dance with her. He just glared. Quistis, on the otherhand, let her grip on Squall fall, as she turned and faced the short-skirted witch. Quistis simply smiled, as she formed a fist (on the hand w/rings hehheh) and whacked Rinoa a good one in the face. Squall and Quistis simply stared at the unconsious Rinoa on the floor, and resumed dancing.  
  
Rinoa's spiteful eyes immediately snapped open. She sat up, filled with rage at such a wretched dream. She leaned over to her table, where she turned on a small lamp (Won at the circus.. Zell didn't want it.. so he "donated" it to her.. even though she "died"..odd, is it not?) and reached for her Quistis sock doll. As much as she had tried to make Quistis look like a ragged bum, the doll had turned out stunning and pristine anyway. Rinoa clasped the doll in such vehemence, trying to make the head pop off.. without success. "Damn these durable socks!" *gasp* BAD RINOA!! She threw the Quistis doll against the wall and lay down to finish her beauty sleep.  
  
Morning brought Rinoa no beauty sleep whatsoever Does it ever? . Her inky black eyes shone with a dull lighting, and underneath such were heavy dark bags; signifying sleep deprevation. The ebony locks of hair was mangled every which way, and she walked far less than graceful to breakfast. Walking into the Dining Hall, (Which was dubbed the Galley by Pirate Cid) she sat down at a large rectangular table somnolently.   
  
Moments later, the table was alive with the chattering of Zell, Selphie, Seifer, & Squall. Selphie was [reluctantly] sitting at Rinoa's left, and Zell at her right. Seifer & Squall sat across.   
  
"Cap'n Crunch, Rinoa?" Selphie had offered her some cereal, but Rinoa refused rather stingily.. *through chomps & crumbs falling out of his mouth* "Wan a hotdog, Frinoa?" As Zell so kindly offered her a hotdog.. All he got was a shake of the clam-shaped head in reply. Selphie screamed through Rinoa to talk to Zell on the other side, "Zell, teehee, who in their right minds eats hotdogs for breakfast!? I mean, HOTDOGS, Zell!!" "Mmph, I, thoo." Said Zell. And this turned into a lovely argument about how it just isn't practical to eat hotdogs this early, and how corn cereal wasn't either.. both screaming ends blasting through Rinoa's petty ears. "Arr, 'ere y'ar, 'Noa, sum luvverlee grool fer yer 'p'tite." And Pirate Cid casually rolled a bowl of gruel over Rinoa's way. She, with her impeccable timing, [unintentionally] let her head fall to the table in agony, although to her surprise, let it fall into steaming hot gruel.   
  
"Ah, mornin' Quistie. Here, I saved ya a seat." Squall motioned to Quistis to sit down with her breakfast bagel next to him, as they spoke of the events to come this afternoon.   
  
"Well," chimed the angelic intonation of Quistis to the group, "Cid spoke to me about the rankings and all that, and how everyone needs to improve their skills. He said that we would all meet outside the Garden, and battle monstrous grats for a bit." And she added with a grin, "And he said that if we all felt too lazy to use real weapons, we could use our GF's. We're all to meet a--- Oh my, Rinoa, what happened to you!?" Quistis had just set eyes on Rinoa, who, aside from her lack of beauty sleep, was covered in gruel.   
  
Rinoa had had enough. Her malicious eyes shone with pure hatred as she screamed some very, undesirable things to Quistis, and stood up to storm off, when she tripped on the bar attached to the table.. Quite oafishly, she landed once more in the gruel. Selphie, politely stifled a giggle, but everyone else didn't even bother, and let out an uproarious laugh. Rinoa stormed off to her room, tripping several times, but managed to get there in one piece.  
  
"Hmph.. Wonder what was up w/her, eh puberty boy?" Seifer inquired as he took a glob of bacon and ate it happily. Squall just shrugged, and as he ate a spoonful of Life Cereal ("It makes you live longer! Honestly!") and then he asked Quistis to continue her sentence.. "Oh yes, Cid thought we should all meet out in the field, a ways away from the Garden, and battle grats. If necessary, well, if we're lazy enough is what he implied, we're able to use GF's. As I stated before, we're all to meet out there promptly at 1 o'clock." Quistis looked around curiously, for any sign of Rinoa. "Somebody better tell her when and where we're meeting, or else she won't pass the SeeD examination." Everyone seemed to shrug off this idea, as they resumed eating.   
  
Meanwhile, Rinoa went to her luxurious (yet poorly color coordinated) dorm. She showered, redressed, etc etc. Then sat on her rock hard bed and glared at the Quistis doll menacingly. All of the sudden she heard the familiar electronic voice, "Hey pighead, you've got mail!" She was never sure just why it called her 'pighead,' as whenever she asked Squall for help, (who setup the comp) he just changed the subject. She had figured that all GOL reminders were like that. (~**~ AN: GOL stands for "Garden OnLine"~**~) She logged on and found a message from squeaky Selphie.   
  
We're all meeting at 1 oclock this afternoon for a SeeD test. Dun b late or you'll fail. See ya then, teehee!   
Luv: Selph *teehee!*  
  
"Good grief she even types her high pitched giggles. Ugh. Okay, Rin, one o'clock, outside Garden. SeeD meetings.. I wonder if we can use our GF's.. Oh well.. I will either way. Who cares what superior-to-me-in-every-possible-way-Pirate-Cid says.." And she got up, and shlumped down onto her beanbag blob and slept.  
  
She had another dream..  
  
Crosswise to Rinoa stood the five primary SeeD members: Squall, Seifer, Zell, Selphie, and.. Quistis. Rinoa stood, glaring maliciously towards them, as one o'clock dawned.. A harmonica wailed its small western tune as Rinoa approached Quistis, chapped-legs, which held leather boots 'n spurs, were spread apart, and her apelike, yet scrawny arms were hunched down. Quistis, on the other hand, stood of proper form across from Rinoa. Rinoa let out a screech: more like a warcry that was nothing short of an immitation-Xena.. However, it was disregarded by the others, who moved from Quistie's side, over to back up Rinoa. A small, malevolent grin spread across the pencil thin lips of Rinoa, as she watched the others join "forces" with her.. Quistis stood, motionless.. staring with her fathomless, sage eyes towards the shallow clam-faced opponent. Rinoa, with her tortoise-like reflexes, Rinoa let out a repugnant cry, summoning her most trusted, yet, cooky, GF: Eivarg, the giant rolled up carpet. "Dust bunny attack, EIVARG!" And with one furry attack, it managed to wipe out the beloved Quistis..  
  
Slowly, Rinoa opened her drooping eyelids, and stretched. She had just gotten up, staring vacuously around, when her specks of eyes noticed the clock: 12:59. She had exactly one minute to shower, priss, get dressed, adore herself in the mirror, run down through the dorm hallway, through the garden, and out to the field, where goodness knows how far they'd be out.. So, she quickly (yet was sure willing to take her jolly well sweet time) hopped in the shower, prissed herself, got dressed, then spent a good while in front of her broken mirror ("Look at these wrinkles!!"), and run down through the hallway, through the Garden, and out three furlongs (She even had a grat, Ybba Uy, be the jockey, and whip her mercilessly) to the field.   
  
"Hm. I take it, Rinoa, that you decided upon making a regal entrace, did you not?" inquired the Omniscient Quistis, who was in the middle of explaining the procedure of the exam. "Now, we will each have the oppurtunity to destroy a grat, donated graciously by Ybba Uy. We will start with Rinoa, followed by Zell, Selphie, Squall, Seifer, and lastly, me. Any questions?"  
  
Quistis sighed lightly, as she called on Zell. "Yes?" "Yah, uh.. where're the complimentary hotdogs promised outta dis? eh! I wan' my hotdog.. Dagnabbit!" Zell showed off his enthusiasm for the subject, by boxing with the air until Selphie jabbed him in the stomache and whispered, "Uh, Zelly, there um.. aren't any, hotdogs.. We just thought, y'know, you'd come a lil' more willin'ly if we offe-" but Selphie was immediately interrupted by savage screams, any many a punch-jab-kick-punch air boxing by Zell.. "WHAT!?! NO HOTDOGS!!! WHERE IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN DO YOU PEOPLE CONCOCT THESE SINISTER NOTIONS!!! PROMISING ME HOTDOGS AND NOT A ONE IN SIGHT!! WHY I OUGHTTA--" And for the next few minutes, they all sat, bewildered, yet, oddly fascinated at Zell's incredible repressed-anger, that seemed to seethe through as he punched-jabbed-kicked-punched at the air.   
  
"Hm. Zell, you know, you don't have to use a GF.. you seem perfectly capable of tackling the wretched grats on your own.. What do you say?" But he immediately fell to his knees and coddled little Carbuncle affectionately.. (Everyone's GFs where standing adjacent to the one to be using it.. Saves time w/out all the summoning junk and all) "Right. Rinoa, you first." Quistis summoned the first ill-fated grat donated by Ybba Uy. "Begin when you see fit."  
  
Rinoa approached the grat, who was buzzing unbelievable taunts to frail little clam-faced Rinoa. She smirked a smirk that was far from clever, yet full of malice and hatred.. She turned immediately, and screeched her witch-like intonation, "GO EIVARG!" All at once, a giant, rolled up carpet revealed itself, although coughed madly from all of the flying dust. Rinoa grinned her wicked grin, as she directed Eivarg towards Quisits. "DUST BUNNY ATTACK, EIVARG!"   
  
In a maddened swoosh and swirly goodness, Eivarg had unraveled itself, and was pelting omniscient Quistis with thousands of tiny dust bunnies..  
  
Quistis, however, stood and glared madly, as the DB-attack seemed to not affect her in any way other than sheer annoyance.. Luckily for her, she had taken her Zyrtec the previous evening.   
  
Rinoa stood, dumbfounded. Her mouth gaped open in pure astonishment.. Why wasn't Quistis dead? Why weren't the others on her side, and cheering her on? Why the heck is Eivarg going to their side?! So many thoughts ran through her head, her poor little mind was used to nothing short of tumbleweeds flowing by.. Not actual thoughts. Rinoa stood, stationery, and glaring at the others. Finally, after working through the near-to-faint-feeling, she spoke; totally outraged and in a terribly high pitched intonation, "Wha- whaddo you-- I mean--- HELLO!! Why aren't you guys cheering me on! Quistis, why aren't you dying! EIVARG! GET OVER HERE, NOW!!!" Rinoa was now gasping for air as if she had just run a hundred feet.. (being the non-fit person that she is, it didn't suit this to say "as if she'd run a mile".. for she'd be gasping a lot harder'n that..)  
  
Eivarg was the first to break the muted silence, "YOU SUCK RINOA! I'm going to the good side.. The side that has decent peeps, and the side that isn't allergic to me!!!" Quistis just glared. Zell had found an old hotdog in his pocket, and was consuming it madly. Selphie stood brushing off Eivarg, who'd taken quite a liking to her. Squall was standing next to Rinoa, edging closer and closer, hopefully "unnoticed" to try and "comfort" her. Seifer, well, rock-hard Seifer patting Hyperion [gunblade I'm told.. hehehh.] soothingly, awaiting his turn.   
  
Rinoa stood with her hands on her hips, looking as though she was going to faint. However, she was stopped by the sound of Squall's voice, "Rinoa, stay just where you are. Fight the urge to faint as hard as you can for just one moment..K?" Rinoa nodded, dazedly while Squall got together with the others in a huddle and whispered. (This includes the GFs)  
  
All of the sudden, Rinoa heard shouting. The entire group of SeeD members were calling upon their GFs all at once.  
  
She heard Zell cry, "Ah! My hotdog! I dropped it cos of Rinoa!" insert mad, raging swear words from Zell here "GOO CARBUNCLE! KILL RINOA!"  
Then the familiar, high pitched voice of Selphie was the second recognizable voice, "GO GET HER, IFRIT! SMASHER' LIKA HAMMER!" "Oh, AND EIVARG!" Squall was calling upon Quezacoty, "I CHOOSE YOU, PIka- er, QUIZACOTYL! ATTACK RINOA!" Finally, the faint sound of Quistis's voice rang torturously [i hope thatsa word..] throughout Rinoa's elf-like ears, as she summoned Shiva,"Shiva, Attack Rinoa!"  
  
Rinoa had felt like she'd been hit by a lightning bolt. A lightning bolt hot as fire, yet cold as ice. Something so sharp, it shocked her mercilessly, like electricity. Not only that, but she felt as though she'd been pelted with old fabric: dusty & worn, but powerful. Seifer of course, chose not to use a GF, and just slashed Rinoa ruthlessly with Hyperion. Just then, she felt the pricked pinch of teeth. She knew immediately it was Lem, the Herculean barracuda. And her pasty white skin was now being severed, as Ybba Uy, the leader grat, poked her ruthlessly. All other feelings were drowned out by the joyous fate of Rinoa, as she died.  
  
Everyone on the field, GFs included, just stared momentarily. "GAH! Good riddence to that bum," uttered Seifer, after he poked her sommore: to ensure her death was official. "Hmph. Serves her right," spoke Selphie. After that statement, everyone grinned widely, jumped for joy a bit, then walked back to the Garden, as if nothing had happened out of the ordinary, at all.   
  
From behind the bushes, shifty eyes glared around, making sure no one was watching. Then out ran a screaming human, holding high above her head, Squall's gunblade. She emitted several screams, and a Xena-warcry here and there, and hacked Rinoa moreso after everyone had left. Grinning, Mel skipped back to the Garden as if she'd just had a fab day at the stable..  
  
The End.. or is it?  
  
~**~ Author's Note: Cya Rinoa! *shrug* I hope this was better than the Circus one.. Everyone passed the exam, of course with the exception of Rinoa. Squall and Quisty got together, Selphie convinced Seifer to at least pay attention to her, and wiht that progress made, she figured she was only a good year or two away from convincing him to go out with her. Eivarg joined forces with Lem, Ybba Uy, and Mel afterwords.. And they all plotted sinister plans to torture Rinoa in the afterlife.. Pirate Cid took the whole "Gruel thing" about Rinoa falling in it, tripping, then being late, trying to kill Quisty, and dying a bit too personally, and he quit making gruel for SeeD members. Once Zell, Selphie, Seifer, Squall, & Quistis returned, they told everyone what happened. The entire Garden rejoiced in a warming song of "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead." And they lived happily every after. YAY! R&R all! ~**~ 


End file.
